Sunday, July 25, 2010

Reinventing Myself

What exactly does reinvention mean? For me, it means to stop fooling around with what I wish I was, or what I think I am, and start dealing with WHO I am.
The first thing I need to do is clean up my life a little. I'm off to a good start, I think. I've realized who I truly want in my life and what precisely I deserve. I'm not allowing myself encounters--only relationships. My encounters were only really there because I was lonely and wanted someone but I was too afraid to pursue a relationship. Well, not anymore. I told Piano Man to cool it with extreme flirting. I'm very proud of myself for that. We haven't talked in a while, but I like to think our friendship will survive without encouraging the attraction.
Another part of my reinvention is to allow myself to become more in tuned with my emotions. To express how I feel. I'm determined not to fool around. When I see what I want, I'm not going to be scared and run away. I'm going to march straight up and announce how I feel. Of course, this is easier said than done, but I have the courage to do this. I might need a little help, of course.
I'm also not setting for mediocre relationships either. This is something I've always promised myself but now I'm reaffirming it. I will not enter a relationship unless I get those butterflies, that sparkly feeling in my gut, unless I feel completely breathless with someone. I've only felt all of these things in tandem once. But I am certain that this is how it is supposed to be. I'm not going to accept any less.
A smaller vow is to keep this blog going. I think it's good for me. It gives me a chance to reevaluate and examine the choices I've been making. So I will make an entry at least once a week. It must be at least 100 words. As school starts, this may become difficult, as I've experience a lot of blah weeks. But I shall do so anyway.
Cleaning up my life also starts physically. I'm going to get my area and space cleaned up. I'm going to get where I lived cleaned up. I think a clean area is really good for the soul. I've always felt most comfortable and cleansed when everything straightened up and neat. I'm going to work hard at remembering the old me, the me who wasn't afraid to be herself and didn't try to be other people. I'm going to try and be more open and honest.
I'm not sure how this will go, but at least I know where I stand. Wish me luck.

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