I've been thinking for a while about what I should write for this sucker, and in all honesty, I'm still not sure. So I started flipping through my old blogs for ideas. I sure whined a lot. But I guess that's the point of a blog, right? I also rediscovered an appreciation for my life and all I've been given. I have the most amazing friends in the entire world. I'm sure everyone says that, but I seriously mean it.
I think the mark of a friendship is how you fight. In the past week, I have gotten into two little tiffs with some friends of mine. Now, I rarely fight with my girlfriends. The most we really do is snipe at each other. Oh, how we snipe.
I can't go into great detail, but let's take my snipe with Avlbane recently. The night before, I'd been going into deep depressing Phoenix mode, and started going on about how being alone wasn't so bad. I didn't really NEED to have someone in my life. I have a dog. I have a cat. In all honesty, that's all I need. Avlbane cautiously agreed with me but flat out told me not to ignore something right in front of me.
The next night, Avlbane came over for dinner. Like I said, due to personal matters and the idea of humiliating myself online, I can't get into specifics. Basically, I announced my intention to retreat. Hide. A certain something had presented itself, and I wasn't having any of it.
Well, neither was Avlbane.
I have seen Avlbane unleash her wrath on stupid people, and it is most entertaining. It is not so entertaining when I am the brunt of it. She informed me in no uncertain terms that I was being stupid. "I love you, but sometimes you get so focused in on how you think your life is...I don't want you to miss out on what's right in front of you because of it."
I didn't like that. Mostly because she's right. When something's going badly in my life, I hide. I compress into a bubble where I think it's safe and hope nothing gets me. This doesn't sound so bad in writing, but in all honesty, it's what led me into my fight with depression last semester.
We yelled at each other for about twenty minutes. I kept trying to change the subject but she immediately would turn it back to the situation. Naturally, she won the argument. I seethed for the rest of the evening.
Then God smacked me in the face by basically saying He was TOTALLY on Avlbane's side. SIGH. I went to church with Avlbane that weekend and the sermon was about how humans only see part of the picture. God sees the whole story.
OKAY GOD, I GET IT.
I only see what's going on around me right now. God sees what I've done, what I'm doing, and what I will do. He knows how my story turns out. This whole hiding, retreating business? It's just me trying to get a grasping control on my life, when in all honesty, I don't have a handle on it. I never will. I may see my current situation as hopeless, as God taunting me with something I want but can't have. God sees it as something that may define my life, that may teach me something, so He wants me to shut up and learn from it.
My hubris extends more. A few nights ago I had a snipe with Regan about something she's dealing with. Because OBVIOUSLY I know what's best for her. She couldn't possibly decide how she wants to handle her life, so it's MY JOB as her FRIEND to decide for her.
Seriously, how does God put up with me?
I guess what I can gain from this is that God loves me desperately. He loves me enough to give me friends that are smart enough to tell me when I'm being stupid or going into hiding mode. He loves me enough to give me repeat lessons at something until I learn it. He's a good teacher. He's a good father. Most of all, he's a good friend.
"There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends."--John 15:13