My Foray Into the Labyrinth

After my last two rather upsetting posts, I decided to do a movie review to make me feel better. Something I'd never seen before, but enjoyed immensely.

I am speaking of course, of Labyrinth.

WHAT?! You're probably screaming. You haven't seen Labyrinth?! The essential 80s fantasy film for every blossoming nerdette as a child?! You poor deprived baby! WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!

Now hang on. It's not that my mother is unnecessarily cruel. In fact, "The Neverending Story" is one of her favorite movies. It's just...when I was little, I liked princess movies. Really girly ones, with frilly dresses, fairy tale routes, and handsome princes. Mostly animated.

Stop looking at me like that.

So, rather than requesting puppet-filled masterpieces like I should've, I asked my mom for princess animations, which she supplied to me. Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid, Pocahontas, Mulan, Anastasia, Swan Princess, Aladdin, Sleeping Beauty--these are the movies I grew up with and watched several million times a day.

Ahem. Anyway. Labyrinth.

For years people have begged me to watch it and I've replied, "Meh." I just wasn't that interested. Clearly, I am an idiot, because I have been fangirling over this movie for the past two days.

So the movie starts out with this girl Sarah in a really pretty dress, pretending to have epic adventures. She comes home late, yells at her stepmother for asking why she was late, screamed at her dad, and then wished for the Goblin King do take her baby brother away.

Which was a mistake because the goblins kidnap her brother and the Goblin King HOLYCRAPDAVIDBOWIE'SPANTS.

I...

Ah...

Huminahuminahumina...

I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

Oh, right. Labyrinth. Yeah. Ahem.

So the Goblin King is played by the incomparable David Bowie (who is interestingly enough the best actor...Jennifer Connelly's acting has a long way to go. Seems like she's managed it nowadays though.) who tells her that she has thirteen hours to get her baby brother back or he'll turn him into a goblin. So then she...

....

I'm sorry, I have to bring it up. I have never in my life ever lusted after David Bowie before. Until now. Apparently glittery-eyeshadowe'd-pale-white-mulleted-sparkly-sequined-jacket-high-heeled-boots-and-DAMN-THOSE-BEAUTIFULLY-TIGHT-PANTS reeeeally do it for me. I wish I were joking.

Huminahuminahumina...

AHEM. The review. Right.

So Sarah goes on this great adventure through David Bowie's labyrinth and meets all sorts of great Jim Henson critters that help her along the way. Like Hoggle, who we charmingly meet whilst he's urinating.

He grows on you, I promise. I think he rather develops a thing for Sarah, which is rather sweet...(*millions of Jareth/Sarah fangirls send me death glares*) er, I mean, I'm sure Hoggle's feelings for her are purely platonic.

Then we meet Ludo, who is an adorably fluffy beast, and yes, the band Ludo was named for this darling.

D'awwwww. I want one.

And, closely followed by Jareth's pants, my favorite character, Sir Didymus!

Sir Didymus is an interesting mixture of C.S Lewis' Reepicheep and Don Quixote. I'm pretty sure Reepicheep and Didymus would be buds. I love him, he's darling and I love his fluffy tail.

So this ragtag group navigates the labyrinth to get to Bowie's castle so they can retrieve Sarah's baby brother. In the process, Jareth Bowie sends homicidal robots, (yes, there is a giant robot.) metal death contraptions, goblins, and Hoggle betrays Sarah twice for him. Jareth even drugs a peach which Sarah consumes and gives us a really trippy dance sequence between Jareth and Sarah which is both really hot and makes me really uncomfortable, because Jennifer Connelly was 16 when this was filmed and David Bowie was...you know what? I'm not going to wikipedia how old he was, it's just going to make me more uncomfortable.

But it's still kind of hot.

Well, Sarah manages to wake herself up. They make it to the castle. At this point, I'm pretty sure Jareth Bowie has fallen in love with Sarah, or is at least weirdly infatuated by her. At the end, there's this intense sequence...and I'm not just talking about Bowie's pants.

Sarah, at this point too, is also infatuated, or at the very least mesmerized by Bowie's pants, I mean, presence.

Then Jareth (who I've pretty much at this point added to my imaginary harem of movie characters) says, "I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, and do as I say and I will be your slave. Just let me rule you, and you can have everything you want."

Huminahuminahumina...okay...whatever you say, Jareth Bowie...you can rule me any day of the week...

Apparently, Sarah is a better film protagonist than me, because she realizes that Jareth has no power over her and she says it to him--"YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME!" And poof! She wins, she comes home, her little baby brother is safe, and she has a dance party in her bedroom with Hoggle and co.

Bowie was not invited.

I would've invited him. Just saying.

And I shall end this review with this letter to my dear little brother.

Dear Little Brother,

I just wanted you to know that if I ever accidentally wished that the goblins would take you away and you were suddenly kidnapped by Jareth Bowie to be doomed to live in his Labyrinth and I had to save you...

Your ass would be screwed, cuz I totally would've opted for Jareth Bowie to be my personal sex slave. Sorry.

Love, Phoenix